While There is Life, There is Hope: PART 1
Meet Victoria.
She’s a creative entrepreneur (co-founder of The Beach People) hailing from Northern NSW. She is married to Jesse and mum to the cutest little BOY, THEODORE, AKA TEDDY, aged 3.
She’s a complete dream girl, to be honest. She’s all the good things — intelligent, capable, beautiful and kind. The list could go on. But over the past 2 years, she’s walked a hard road. She recently shared her story on her Instagram and has bravely agreed to share it with us here also in recognition of Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day.
Here’s her story.
Jesse and I were camping in Yamba in early 2017, when we decided “LET’S HAVE ANOTHER ONE”. Another one of these:
We fell pregnant straight away! Here I am at 12 weeks with an elephant:
Without warning our little one went to heaven April 2017. She was due November last year.
I was, still am, will always feel, HEARTBROKEN.
We were blown away by our community. Our home was filled with flowers, food and love. We were told to try again as it looked like it was just a once off.
After lots of family time and rest, we fell pregnant again the following month.
I remember saying to Jesse, “There is no way I can go through that again”. My body would fill with nerves just thinking about it. My heart was still quite broken.
I didn’t realise I was pregnant again until I was in Miami for Swim Week in July 2017. When my sister pointed this out:
I literally got home, unpacked my bags and got Theodore to carry the pregnancy test to Jesse (he put the wee end in his mouth — true story! Ha!).
With this third pregnancy a childhood dream was about to come true as I found out I shared a due date with my best friend!
Ted turned two and something didn’t feel right with this pregnancy. But I thought I was just being paranoid.
At 12-13 weeks we lost a little boy. A brother for Ted. A son for us. We got to see him on the scans which was lovely. No one tells you how hard it is.
I carried our boy in my womb after he had passed. He didn’t want to leave. No one tells you this. Birthing a miscarriage can be like labour. A week later my milk came in. All the while trying to keep it all together.
We decided to wait and get some more tests. Everything came back all good. So we tried again and fell pregnant at the beginning of the year. We thought surely this one is ours.
Though out the journey I had some really beautiful moments between the pain. I really felt God’s peace surrounding me. It’s incredible how joy and grief can co-exist. I did however start crying too easily and started to notice some symptoms of anxiety.
We said goodbye to our forth little one earlier this year. More tests. More tears. And I stopped talking about it because I didn’t like people feeling sorry for me all the time.
We fell pregnant quickly again… because, you know… young love… and doctors orders. The doctor said, “we’ll get you there with this one”.
Here I am being a dork with pregnancy test earrings! Ha. Fifth time lucky? I made myself get excited everytime.
I always chose hope.
But we lost this little one too. And something in me kind of snapped.
A beautiful friend paid for a weekend away where I miscarried my 5th pregnancy. My amazing pastors recommended that I take time off.
I’ve just come back to work after 6 weeks off. Six weeks off emails, social media, planes and ministry. You wouldn’t believe the things I had to cancel. I wasn’t easy.
I’m not embarrassed that I cried everyday for a month — the shower is my spot so Ted can’t see. I’m not embarrassed that I go to therapy. I spent 6 weeks with Ted doing nothing and feel amazing for it. So thankful for God, my man, my family, my friends and my church, who saw me through.
Thanks for reading. I’m already regretting the possible overshare. But oh well, if it helps one person, its worth it.
— VIC
PS. Ted was a surprise.
PPS. We are totally trying again.
